Conflictions

How do you tell someone no? How do you tell them it's not what you want? Or it's not for the best? They only want to do things because they have no clue how selfish they are. They tell you, go away and start your own life. They tell you to go live your life, to go fly away from the nest. But after four months, they ask you if you want to come back.

You've made a life for yourself now, of doing the chores and taking care of the apartment. You made a few friends and are kept busy, yet you have done what they asked. Everything they wanted you to do. It’s hard doing it all yourself, but you enjoy it. But they are telling you to come back home to live in comfort closer to home, but you don't want to. Just another year and then you’ll be done with school and then it's off to find a job. Yet they talk about bringing you home and telling you they miss you. It's all lovely right?

Wrong.

I've lived with you for far too long. You'll use me and yell at me, all for the sake of having someone there. Normally I would not mind, but I'm tired of being the scapegoat. I moved away for a reason. I'm happy where I am, if not a little lost. I know you love me and I love you too, but really I'm fine. I want to live my life. I know I can't just cut my ties, I can't just tell you half these thoughts. You would never understand these feelings, would you? For how many years have I tried to tell you? How many years have I just been trampled upon by you or others? Yet I have no clue how to tell you about these thoughts. Your selfish questions of wanting me back only hold me back as I think about what's best for me.

After years of being quiet and attempting to keep my head a float, I can only tell you I shall think about these things you as of me. Can you forgive me for not wanting to tell you? Probably not. I know you want me to tell you everything but I'm just this way. I push every one away. Why? Even I cannot say, but please, for the first time let me be selfish. I want to finish this without someone interjecting their thoughts. I'm done just being a follower. I want to lead my own life for once.

Yet how do I begin to remotely tell you all of this? Will you yell at me? Will you ask who I am? Perhaps, but for once please let me be selfish about this decision. I'm trying to figure out what's right and to find myself in this world. I'm trying.